Why is it so hard to find a husband*?

It has always been hard but modern dating presents unique challenges. *or partner

As a teenager, I dreamed of having a big career, a wardrobe full of fabulous clothes and life in a big city like New York. Getting married and having children was an afterthought. It wasn’t because I didn’t want these things. I have always been a romantic at heart but for most of my twenties, marriage and babies weren’t so high on my priority list. I was confident things would fall into place when the time was right.

But I am almost 34 now and even though I had two major relationships during my twenties and early thirties I am single again with no husband in sight. This is not the life I had envisioned for myself.

Finding a partner was probably never easy but modern dating presents us with new challenges.

Medium writer Eric Thead blames dating app culture, porn, social media and changing expectations and attitudes in this excellent article. I largely agree with him but some additional factors come into play in your thirties.

Shrinking dating pool & baggage

The dating pool, which consisted of about 50% of the population of your preferred gender (for heterosexuals) in your twenties has shrunk to between 20 and 27% in the 30-40 age bracket. In recent years, women have started to outnumber men at universities: in Germany, about 53% of Bachelor's degrees are awarded to women. In America the gap is even wider: for every 100 bachelor's degrees awarded to women, only 74 are awarded to men. So for educated women finding an equally educated partner has become harder.

Most men (and women) in their thirties come with baggage. Some of them are already divorced and/or have children with someone else. But even if there is no “tangible” baggage there will likely be emotional baggage. It may sound dramatic but the end of my last relationship shattered my belief in lasting love and I find it hard to open up to men and trust them. So, I guess my only hope is to find a man whose emotional baggage is somehow compatible with my emotional baggage.

This is certainly possible. One of my friends and her boyfriend met online about a year ago. Both of them had bad experiences with cheating partners in the past so they were both struggling with jealousy and insecurity. But this also meant they could understand and help each other. She told me about all the little things they do to assure each other that they are committed and won’t stray. They do simple things like sending photos of themselves when they are out with friends, so the other doesn’t worry.

Men just wanna have damsels in distress?

For most of my twenties, it never occurred to me that having a career could get in the way of finding a partner. Surely, men would be happy to be in a relationship with a woman on a good salary, who is competent, educated and smart. After all, this is what I would want in a partner myself.

But I think there is still some deep-rooted aversion among men to too much competition at home. Studies show that men are happiest when the woman earns about 40% of the household income and the highest level of psychological stress reported by men was when they were economically dependent on their wives.

I guess men still want to feel superior and stronger in the relationship and be financially and intellectually more powerful.

I am not against dating a man who is “superior” by this definition but looking at the stats it is just not very likely. Less than 10% of men in Germany earn the same or more than me, so conversely I am outearning about 90% of men.

Intelligence is a bit harder to measure but according to the stats women outnumber men at universities and more degrees are awarded to women than men in most rich countries. Even at PhD level (in Germany) women are advancing fast: in 2021 52% of PhDs were awarded to men and 48% to women. (I only managed to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree so perhaps there is some hope I can find a man, who is content being my superior academically).

In short: the demand and supply dynamic doesn’t work in a successful 30-something woman’s favour. The men we see as desirable: educated, confident and professionally successful are in short supply and they tend to prefer someone, who is not quite so successful.

The rise of the man-child

But money is not everything and in today’s age, I don’t think it’s unusual that the female brings home the bacon. In fact, in one in three couples in the US, the female earns the same or more than their partner.

Life is not fair. Some jobs requiring a huge amount of skill, education and intelligence are not paid very well. So, I think most women wouldn’t look down on a partner just because he is earning less.

However, there is another issue. Women (especially when they shoulder a higher share of the financial burden) expect their partners to make an equal contribution to the household and take on childcare duties. You would think that’s obvious.

But sadly this is something that many grown men don’t seem to fully understand. A friend working as a doctor eventually got tired of coming home from exhausting night shifts to find her boyfriend hadn’t even considered doing a single household chore in her absence. He couldn’t think of anything that needed doing. Another friend gave up on her relationship after numerous attempts to share household duties more equally failed. She was tired of mothering him and couldn’t see a way to make it work with children.

I can sympathise. You can only come home from a demanding day at the office so often to find your significant other sitting in front of his Xbox or PlayStation in a messy apartment before you give up.

This seems to also be a problem in existing marriages, which Relationship Coach Matthew Fray described perfectly in the 2016 viral blog post She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes in the Sink.

Everybody is confused about masculinity & commitment

Over the last 100 years or so, the roles of men and women went through enormous changes. Swedish novelist Liv Strömquist did a marvellous job illustrating that in her graphic novel (unfortunately not available in English). About 200 years ago it was considered masculine to have lots of children. Unmarried men were seen as failures for not being able to attract a woman and provide for a family. It was shameful and unmanly to not keep promises and not be able to stick with decisions. Meanwhile, women were often rather picky and not emotionally available. If things didn’t work out with one man, they swiftly moved on to another (also driven by economic reasons I imagine). But the roles have reversed: it’s now masculine to be commitment-shy and it is no longer necessary to have children or be married to be considered a “real man”.

In this excerpt she explains the dating dilemma of successful women in their thirties: society expects them to have babies with someone of similar status or higher in a very tight timeframe (30-35). But men are reluctant to commit, have children or be emotionally available (Sorry for the broad generalisation).

Dating-app culture

Dating apps have changed our love lives forever. In many ways they are great. It is easier to meet people and despite all the frustrations that come with them, they do work. According to this survey about a third of couples who got married in 2023 met online.

But they also cause a lot of problems. The most outrageous and horrible behaviours have been normalised. This includes sexual harassment, ghosting, submarining and whatever other cruel form of interaction just got added to the vocabulary. Some people even go as far as to say that social media, pornography and dating apps are dehumanising men and women.

They create an illusion of endless choice, which not only makes it harder to form a relationship in the first place but also makes relationships less stable compared with people who meet offline. Dating expert, Nancy Jo says this is likely because people, who met on dating apps “have looked at hundreds or thousands of pictures of people before settling on a certain someone, but they never stop knowing that the parade of other possible someones marches on, so once the relationship hits a rough patch (which is inevitable)… there’s always a dating app to escape to, with its dopamine rush of matches to reassure them that they’re still attractive and desirable”.

Unfortunately, this has also been my experience: my ex-boyfriend told me three years into our relationship that he wasn’t 100% sure about me because dating apps made him believe there is always someone better out there. At the time I thought that was the most ridiculous and immature statement to ever come out of the mouth of a 36-year-old man - but it seems to be a common occurrence.

So for all the women out there having a hard time finding a partner: it’s not you. We all struggle. But I think there is hope that with self-reflection, patience and luck we will find someone, who is also interested in a lasting connection.

Recommended Reading:

• Why most men don’t want anything serious - by Maria Isolde